hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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