PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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