The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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