So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
