So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
