Old men and throwing up are my life now.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
