plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
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Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
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Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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