There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
the condom got lost in my hair
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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