Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
She needs sedatives and a leash
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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