She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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