we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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