what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
