"it" just moved
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
