and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
