I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
