1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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