I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
