Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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