her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
only you would photoshop your dick
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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