I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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