does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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