In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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