Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
