I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
