She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
