I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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