Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
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I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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