His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
