you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize