Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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