I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
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Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
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Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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