The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
