Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
