Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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