It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
