Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Come on in and take your pants off
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