I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
