so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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