I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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