what day is it and did you see me today?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
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