What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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