All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
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I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
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You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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