the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
