If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
