im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Are my feet made of real feet?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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