I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
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