im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
