Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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