When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
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Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
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After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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