No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Randomize
