so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Are we still banned from the library?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
