Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
