are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
