how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
