I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
