I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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