Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
