Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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