I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
