Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
